some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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