I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
