You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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