So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
