When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
