I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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