my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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