youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
