Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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