People in love make me want to vomit
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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