Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
