This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
