He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
