I showed him my bush... on skype.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
