What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
