Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
