Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Life is so much better after having sex.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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