i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
