New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
