Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
