Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
