My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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