I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
is it fun? or sober?
I currently don't understand fingers.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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