Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
