just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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