I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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