When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
tell me about the eggs
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