You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
