Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
