Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
