I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
