when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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