just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
