I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
