he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
the night ended with taco bell and tears
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
