last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
