matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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