just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
