My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
