Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
