Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
