; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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