i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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