I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
