I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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