I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
