I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
