I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
