thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I am full of burrito and curiosity
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
