You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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